frailty

Woke up today with an arid throat. I didn’t realize how three bottles could put me to sleep. Perhaps, to the weak, alcohol is a poison… we drink it to end our misery – hopeful that it can make you wake up in another world. But it can’t – when the dust has settled, you are the same weakling, only, with a hangover.

We usually think of mornings alluding to new beginnings and fresh frontiers. This morning, there were no chirping birds. The smell of coffee was missing. There were no you in my head… nothing to look forward to. I am alone with myself, and the only existent being that shall feel the wrath emanating from within me is I. In depression, I am my own collateral damage.

The pain is immense. The silence…

Unbearable. If it was possible to sleep the whole day, then I wouldn’t be writing this at all. Although right now, I feel like I am asleep – and in my dreams, I am writing about a nightmare that pains me, more than anything else.

Desperation is a dangerous disease.

At one point, the loneliness peaks, and all the odds turn towards you. Every misery is a coiled snake, waiting to pounce – the first to blink gets eaten alive. I am at the losing end for I cannot manage to not blink, much less force myself to open my eyes.

I am wounded; punctured by two poisonous fangs.

One has sucked the energy out of me. I feel how my soul has become too heavy; I cannot carry it anymore. I am at a loss for things I remember knowing so well just nights ago.

The other fang has, yet again, cut through my heart – like a golden arrow through an apple. Swift, merciless, devastating.

Amidst all these, hope is like a distant friend. I call on to him to hear all the words I want to hear. But he is absent nonetheless, and I have no one to believe in; not even in a more distant friend named love.

And so maybe tonight, as this nightmare comes to a close, I would seek refuge in a few bottles of alcohol… to make me sleep. In sleep, everything is peaceful. In the uttermost darkness I see my world, holding on to a certain extent of reality I cannot even manage to grasp when I am awake.

I am weak. And my strength, she is out there – oblivious to the poetry of my heart.

Pictures to Follow

Funny how I managed to keep myself from blogging for about a month. It’s like missing home for days, like not being able to visit our favorite meeting place that is cyberspace for hours… not being able to talk for about minutes, and missing you in my thought for a second or so.

If there’s one word to describe everything going right now for me, I’d say, everything is DICEY – everything just can’t stop changing. It’s like a big game of dice where every event is given the same probability. Every day I get a lot of rolls, and so every day, I get a lot of surprises as well. The ever unsure weather gave me a flu (which wasn’t that bad), and the forever changing school schedule changed a lot, taking away my Monday Football afternoons and forcing me to stay in school for late. Everything just keeps on changing that I sometimes ask myself, when will this ever end?

It only just began.

Anyway, there’s always a lot to look forward to. Like Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve. Everything that should happen in between now and then would be good questions in a guessing game. But the point is to aim for something that you know is coming – something that you’re capable of getting – and take everything extra in stride. There’s no pressure in the absence of radical expectations. In case of emergency of course, break bonds.

Take time to relax, and feel the moment pass you by. After all, you are one with the earth, one with time, and one with the wind. Everything will pass you by if you offer less resistance. There’s just so much time to catch up when you’re ready.

How much time? There’s always enough.

Enough to change the world in your own little ways. You may not be Superman, but you can always be a man, and be super at the same time – that’s as good as it can get.

The other day, my uncle and his family came to town. They’re staying for three days, which means they’ll be flying again tomorrow. I feel grateful to have spent time with them; notwithstanding the length of time, there is always fullness in love and unity. I’m going to miss my cousin Lorenzo (who, by the way, looks like Santino) and his baby British accent. There is a lot of sense in baby blabber, and I learned a lot from him. I’ll see you guys next year!

Still on the to do list:

Readings,

Readings,

more Readings…

Spread the love,

Let in peace,

Attempt bending time,

Make you think of me.

That’s one last important thing for me to think of for now. But you can always be sure that in your list, you can always cross out the “catching me, thinking of you” line.

Loving the busy days, --

the Space (and time) cowboy -rR

Word Peace

Love!

(and, yes... that's all I have to say because that's all we'll ever need).